"Act of Depression"

By: Dr Suzanne LaCombe, January 26, 2008.

The lyrics for "Act of Depression" by a band called Underoath.

My Personal Musings

When I first read these lyrics, a chill went through me. You see, I've personally been clinically depressed and so I'm familiar with the feeling of being "on the edge".

I was surprised how vividly the lyrics captured the sometimes dark and "soul-less" states of depression. Yet I also felt an underlying current of hope because the lyrics acknowledge the possibility of "what might have been" even as they mourn the missed opportunities.

Paradoxically, the lyrics imply that anything is possible, even when all you feel is that nothing is possible. In fact, you could say that what this song's really about is second chances.

And isn't that what release from depression should feel like?

So although this song is pretty dark, it also carries the implicit promise of redemption.

Act of Depression

I tried to cry out from the inside, but I guess my soul did not pour itself out enough

Blood on the walls, flaming black, blood on the walls,

I saw you staring through the cracks

No one was to know what was happening in me I felt no love,

I felt no reason to carry on with my life

Everything was wrong, nothing was right, at least that is what I thought

Kids finding laughter at my expense

They were killing me on the inside they couldn't give up their pride

My heart was bleeding from so much grieving

On the outside I looked fine, you couldn't tell but on the inside was eternal hell

I got caught up in the moment of depression,

and before I knew it my body was lying on the ground

With a gun in my hand my hourglass was out of sand

Thanks to all the people who drove me to death

Without you I could of never ended my breath

Through your anger and hate, I was able to choose my fate

There was a way out, but I chose the easy route

Blast of a gun, breath runs out, final thoughts put to extinction

No more love, no more pain, for you have chosen suicide as the way out... help them

Ice cold fingers, body lays on the floor,

pool of blood you see, you scream out in terror

Her body is now a part of mutilation, her soul the victim of strangulation

I will not accept this evil anymore

I never thought of who I hurt or I never tried to look for the good

I'm sorry for whoever I hurt, it's not easy to look back on my life,
and know I did not know Christ

For now I live in a real hell

I wish I had another chance... then I would live my life with love.

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My Personal Musings

What strikes me most about this song is that it illustrates how quickly our states of being actually fluctuate. In a flash we can be plunged into darkness, or raised into the light, often without a clue as to why the change occurred.

The capacity to "turn on a dime" is innate to the nervous system. More importantly, we can actually use this ability to great advantage in the fight against depression.

Yet if you're like me you might not recall too many "fluctuations" in mood during your own depression. What I remember most is a feeling of never-ending "nothingness".

Maybe this rings true for you too...

The anger was gone, only blankness.

An empty pit of "nothingness" as if it would devour me.

I would cease to exist.

Moment after moment I did not exist.

Years later, I finally understand why I experienced depression this way. I've also learned from my clients that this "deep pit of despair" is not uncommon.

I've also learned that it's in the subtle variability of our "states of being" where we find hope for change. We do have some influence over these states, and the seemingly never-ending flatness of feeling can be overcome in the right conditions.

Shades of grey

What's important to understand is that this "non-feeling" or numbness is a psychophysiological state. At any given time, no matter what we are experiencing, we are in a specific mental/emotional state, but one which can change at any moment.

You see, it isn't completely accurate to say "I'm sad". Sadness comes in many different shades of grey. In fact, given the way the brain functions it's basically impossible to feel the exact same mental/emotional state twice.

In other words, states are like snowflakes - you'll never experience the same one again. That's because every state we experience flows from a different and distinct neural pattern in the brain.

But most people are oblivious to the ongoing changes in their states; this is especially so for those suffering from depression.

Typically, one state glides imperceptibly into another. And, given a multitude of similar states they form together in our mind to create what we feel as a "mood".

As I have described elsewhere on this site, it's almost impossible to deliberately enter a state that's exactly the same as another. Our experience of an event is often made up of many states and the probability is extremely low for having the same neural pattern firing in the brain.

For instance, I can't literally experience the lightness of floating in a swimming pool unless I'm actually doing so; I can only approximate it in my imagination.

Similarly, the experience of nothingness is a state. Problem is, as with all states, when you're having this experience it's hard to imagine anything else.

It feels as if you'll always be this way.

States can be changed.

But even in your darkest moments, if you can find one thing, just one thing that sparks your curiosity or your imagination or touches your heart, then you can change your state. (Recall above that a "state" differs from a "mood".)

This is essentially what happens in the healing process. Our nervous system learns to manage different "states of being". (The process is so subtle and often stretched out over a long period of time that we miss it.)

So this is your task...

Look for those things--even very small things--that give you pause, that make you take a second look. No one can predict what these might be. For me, it might be playing with baby kittens or looking at a sunset. It might be as small as seeing a spider web after a sun shower or reading a poem that rings true.

It's moments like these that help us move from one state to another. Given sufficient "up" states over the course of our healing, they help sustain us - they'll eventually help us from slipping back into the depressive states.

But keep in mind that it's unlikely they would be enough--on their own--to move us out of depression. For this to happen we need a relationship with another human being. That's because it's only through connections with others that we'll start to improve--it's how we learn to regulate our states.

Self-regulation and "getting better"

In infancy the brain grows through the experience of connection with the mother and father. Without that experience a child cannot mature into a self-sufficient, emotionally self-regulating adult.

In the same way, you'll need a connection with another "brain" in order to beat depression. With that emotional connection your brain will learn new ways of being, including healthier and more "feeling" states of being.

This is how therapy works.

Therapy gives you that "brain-to-brain" deep emotional connection. Through a trusting, safe relationship with your therapist, your brain can learn to regulate its states again.

We know this to be true; it's the way we're built. Our brain can learn new things, and it can physically change through experiencing new states.

As your brain repeatedly experiences more resourced states, these "states of being" will gradually become a part of you, a part of your "character". With repeated exposure you can stabilize yourself in a healthy range of states and minimize the chance of backsliding into the "fixed" depressive states.

As hard as it might seem now, you'll need to reach out and connect with someone. Practically speaking, learning to regulate our states through a therapeutic connection is the most efficient way to recover your emotional balance and flexibility.

Therapy offers consistency, the certainty that your therapist will be there for you. Your brain will once again learn to regulate both unpleasant and pleasant states.

It's not easy (especially at the beginning).

But you must begin!

Dr. Suzanne LaCombe

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Related Topic

How to deal with depression

Reference

Grigsby, Jim & Stevens, David (2000). Neurodynamics of Personality. New York: Guilford Press. (An awesome book.)

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