My Therapy Sucks and Other Beefs

By Dr. Suzanne LaCombe
Reviewed by: Dr. Carole Gaato

"My therapist never gives me advice"

• Client to Therapist: "You know me better than anyone - do you think I should leave this guy?"
• Client to Therapist: "I can't stomach my job anymore. What should I do?"
• Client to Therapist: "Now that you've heard all my pros and cons what would you do in this situation?"

Coming to your own conclusion on any decision you make has far more long-term benefits than the short-term relief you might feel from letting your therapist advise you what to do. As hard as that is to take in during a crisis, remember no one is living your life except you.

Ask yourself what use is it to be given a solution on a platter if the next time you are in the same position you're unable to make a decision because you didn't develop the capacity to do so?

If you reflect on some of the important decisions you've made in your life you'll recognize that the ones you made on your own are the ones that you carry with you. These are the ones that have the potential to make you feel good about yourself. You own them.

Even bad decisions carry the same potential for learning. We've all made bad decisions. And we don't easily forget a bad decision because we've learned the hard way (It's called "one-trial learning" in psychology). However, if you felt influenced by someone else in making that decision there is a good chance you're not reaping the rewards of this hard won lesson. That is, in your mind you have shifted the blame to someone else. Like it or not, you'll probably find yourself down that road again!

Let me expand on this.

We are very prone to blaming others, blaming events for our circumstances in life. The brain is structured to protect our perception of events so it can maintain a strong consolidated self. In other words, we will unknowingly rationalize, confabulate, or attribute fault or reasons to other than ourselves. Lots of research in cognitive labs illustrate that we tend to do this.

We will interpret events so as not to threaten our core self. This may not necessarily be the way you intend it to occur but that's the way our brain is biased to work.

Therapy is about learning how we are responsible for our life. And with that learning comes greater self-esteem. Unless you are able to get to a place where you can take full responsibility for your decision you won't hold the lesson in your mind in the same way than if you made the decision yourself.

A good therapist is aware of his or her potential for influencing a client. S/he also knows that a therapist cannot know the best answer because ultimately s/he can never know your life as you know it. A good therapist will empower you to find the answers within yourself, so you can profit from this experience.

But the most important reason…

As you will learn on this site decisions made exclusively from your thoughts will produce limited results. Decisions made from both your thoughts (left brain ) and your feelings (right brain) are optimal, producing better choices. Either way you must be in the moment to develop the capacity to solve your problems differently next time.

And that's what a good therapist offers. A good therapist creates a safe place from which to experience certain emotions so you can learn how to move through them or label them enabling you to make decisions from a more integrated place.

I liked the way Virginia F. Conway a family therapist in Atlanta, GA explained it: "People know what they need, what is happening to them. They may not know that they know, but they know. Once they can stand to be with themselves, this knowledge can be counted on to guide them."
The Networker Magazine, May/June 1989, pg 27.

Therapy Tip:

If you are struggling with this notion as I find clients new to therapy do, you might want to reflect on your personal relationships. Do you find yourself doing the same thing, trying to pull in your friends so they can give you an "answer" that ultimately should be yours? Be aware that when you do this, the energy required to make the decision gets split off into your interactions with others. That is, your head will be so filled with the ideas and opinions of others you will have a hard time feeling your own.

Look to your therapist to point out what you should consider in making your decision. Then weigh your feelings against practicalities. Then on any decision you've finally made a therapist can help you sort out your feelings on so you can learn best from the experience.

Speaking as a Therapist:

Like a lot of other therapists what drew me to the field is the opportunity to help people through their pain. One of my hardest lessons--and to be honest one I am still learning--is knowing the best way to be there for my clients.

I have heard of therapists who like to be the "expert" and enjoy people seeking them out for the quick and simple answer. I can almost understand it. It's not easy to watch a client in pain struggling to find his or her own answers. In fact, it seems counterintuitive not to tell them what to do when I have a pretty good idea that my suggestion would help them feel better. I also know they would likely feel grateful.

So what's wrong with this option?

Giving advice doesn't change the brain--and, if the brain doesn't change you won't be able to shift how you feel. In order to improve your ability to manage your pain you must experience some of it and as you do so neuropathways in your brain will be altered (e.g. given the right conditions with your therapist are present).

So you see, the harder--and to me the only--option is to tolerate my client's pain and avoid the trap of immediately rescuing them from their distress. I do this purposely because it is only through our relationship and my capacity to self regulate that my client can learn to do so on their own. You can't just think your way there.

Furthermore, getting advice compromises what's important to the nature of the relationship. Therapy is about right brain connection not left brain question and answer.

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Pages in this Article

1. “Therapy makes you dependent on your therapist”.
2. "If I work on all my issues, I'll lose my passion. I'll lose my creativity."
3. "My therapist never says anything!"
4. "My therapist never gives me advice"
   
5. "My therapist looks sleepy. I sometimes think she's going to fall asleep."
6. "Why go to therapy? I want to change the world to make it a better place."

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