Zoning out? How the body copes.
Ever found yourself staring at a computer screen and not taking anything in?
Chances are you just had a little dissociative moment. It's a state somewhere between sleep and waking, a little of both, simultaneously.
Some folks feel a bit foggy headed. For others, vision is not as sharp or images are fuzzy around the edges. Some describe it as if they are looking through a veil, feeling emotionally numb.
You may enter psychotherapy and be dissociative but be unaware of its presence. You might not even know what dissociation is. However, you are likely aware of the problems associated with being in a dissociative state.
You've probably dissociated but not recognized it. For instance, you may have experienced it while driving (a.k.a "highway hypnosis"). You've gone three blocks and you can't recall seeing anything that you drove past. Or you're having a conversation with someone and then you can't remember what you were just talking about.
At other times, you may feel that "something is wrong" or feel removed from your surroundings and/or distanced from people, almost as if you don't belong.
The unseen problem is that dissociation severly limits our perceptions. It's like being distracted and then some. We are less aware of the subtlties in our interactions with others.
Dissociation is a survival mechanism
Dissociation is a state.1 It's a protective mechanism called up by the nervous system when it reaches its maximum capacity to process stimulation (both internally and externally).
Imagine having to interact with people all day and by the end of the day you can't speak another word. You go home to regroup, anxious to get into your latest book. But you can't concentrate. You keep "floating" away into a thoughtless and timeless void. Oddly enough, your favourite book seems boring.
Dissociation caps the keyed up and restless energy underneath. It numbs the body so that one feels less internal distress. It's a good temporary back up plan devised by nature for coping when we feel overwhelmed. But it has its drawbacks.
Dissociation is a type of freeze response
To the degree that you are dissociative, will be the degree of impairment in your ability to take appropriate fight or flight responses (e.g. being physically threatened). You see, dissociation is a type of freeze state.
In other words, you are more likely to move into an acute freeze state whether you want to or not (e.g. freezing at gun point during a bank robbery).
Dissociation is best described on a continuum.
Many people will recognize less severe forms of dissociation in themselves because they've been there.
You're talking with your friend, you hear her voice, you're nodding in agreement but you're not really there--you're physically with her, but not all there. Then your friend waves her hand in front of your face--"woohoo!!"--and you pop back into awareness!
Still others who are chronically dissociative remark that it doesn't take very much stimulation (snarled traffic, lunch with a friend, a quick visit to the mall) before their nervous system is overwhelmed and dissociation sets in.
You may have been functioning in the outside world but the real you went underground to some other place. In other words, you are "just not there".
It's most evident in the eyes. When you're experiencing dissociation others might notice you staring out into space.
Sometimes the feeling can be quite intoxicating. When you feel starry-eyed you'll also feel a strong impulse to just keep staring. That's because opiates are being released in the brain. These make you feel numb and mask your emotional pain.
Yup, that's right, we have our very own drug dispensing system!
Just so you know, others experience dissociation as a feeling of going inward. Unlike the dissociative feeling of "floating on the outside" dissociating "in" feels as if the world has receded and you are terrifyingly alone. It's like the calm before the storm.
When dissociation is chronic…
When dissociation becomes chronic, it can feel unbearable. Addictive or self-injurious behaviours are common ways in which people seek temporary "relief".
Chronic dissociation severely limits our perceptions. At some level we sense we're operating on a different plane than the rest of the world. Although we know something is amiss we can't put a finger on it.
Dissciation can make us feel invisible and powerless. It impairs the ability to connect with others to such a degree that we are unable to care for ourselves or others (e.g. as a mother might care for an infant).
My Peronal Musings
No one need be shut out from living a full life by the mask of dissociation. There is a way to move beyond it. I know. Not only have I seen remarkable recoveries with numerous clients, I've benefitted enormously from my own therapy.
I can proudly say that dissociation no longer holds me back from the life I was meant to live. I will always be grateful to my therapist for that.
If you have hesitated to begin therapy, consider starting with online counseling. *Here's the provider that I have partnered with. They have dozens of therapists to choose from. Go here to see the LivePerson lineup of therapists without leaving the site.
There are a number of theories about the dissociative process. Here's one working model:
We experience dissociative states when our nervous system is strained to the limit. We're "too full". In other words, we've inadvertently taken in more stimulation than the nervous system can handle.
Life circumstances can overwhelm the nervous system at any time in our growth or later, for example through physical traumatic events. Unresolved issues and traumas can ignite the dissociative pathways.
It's a matter of degree.
Think of the operating system in a computer. When its' maximum capacity is reached it shuts down inessential software programs in order to save its resources for critical functions, while ensuring that important files are not lost.
In effect, the brain does the same thing. When maximum nervous system processing capacity has been reached, the dissociative mechanism comes on line and shuts down less important systems such as our ability to concentrate. This doesn't always work to your advantage in a modern world. For example, even if you wanted to study for that midterm your nervous system could have other plans!
You won't notice when you start to dissociate.
Dissociation comes online seamlessly and automatically. That is, you probably won't recognize the moment you start dissociating.
As mentioned above, dissociation occurs when too much arousal is triggered in the nervous system. Shutting down some functions saves enough energy for backing up survival-related strategies, such as awareness of non-verbal behaviors in others, or where the door is, etc. By shutting out irrelevant sensations, enough energy is saved to power optimal cortex (cognitive) and limbic (emotions) functioning.
Sadly, unresolved childhood issues can easily be triggered when you take on the role as a parent. Even if you vowed to parent differently those old pathways remain, preventing you from being the attuned, caring parent you want to be.
For instance, you may still be able to change your baby's diaper, feed her, even sing to her and play with her, except it feels mechanical, as if one is cut off from one's own heart.
Dissociation is like fake relaxation. It numbs your body and your emotions so you feel nothing. It can be akin to a blissful state and as such, can be deceiving to you and your therapist when you attempt relaxation therapy.
If you have a tendency to dissociate and you attempt to do a relaxation technique you may be merely moving into dissociation instead of a relaxation state. Similarly, if you like to meditate all you may be doing is moving into dissociation.
Speaking as a client.
It was enormously helpful when my own therapist helped me to recognize when I would start to dissociate in the session. Somatic therapy enabled me to develop increasing capacity to manage larger amounts of stimulation. And, with the help of a good grounding technique I was able to increasingly move out of it. (Grounding helps to discharge the energy.)
As my nervous system became more regulated (i.e. it could handle higher amounts of stimulation) I became less dissociative overall. Once I began to recognize it in myself outside the session, I could take steps to reduce my stimulation in order to reduce it (i.e. make the room quiet, have a hot bath, turn off the radio etc.).
So today, whenever I feel dissociative I see it as a sign that my nervous system is maxing out.
BTW, if you're tired of the fogginess and haven't used counseling in the past, there's one very easy way to begin: Try an online therapist.
*I partnered up with LivePerson for the reason that they offer public reviews of their therapists - that's almost unheard of in traditional therapy! Check em out: Visit LivePerson's lineup of online therapists for dissociation.
Especially for Therapists
Dissociation is a major stumbling block to progress in therapy because it severely diminishes the client's ability to be present. It's a significant barrier for working on trauma and developmental issues in particular because it can mask the client's true psychophysiological state. Without a clear picture of what's happening, the therapist can't monitor, let alone regulate, the client's level of activation.
Diane Poole Heller1 likens dissociation to a circuit breaker shutting off when house wiring gets overloaded. She warns that care must be taken in working with dissociation:
"If this is not done slowly, as we are proposing, often what happens is similar to switching the electrical breakers back on without doing something about the over load that caused the breaker to go off in the first place. If therapists have the client connect too quickly, they can often re-traumatize them." pg. 32.
Speaking as a Therapist
My experience in clinical practice indicates that deep "talk therapy" therapeutic work is not the optimal choice if the client is severely dissociated. As Heller suggests we risk adding to the client's condition by attempting to add more material to the client's already full container.
However, skills must be in place as attempts are made to remove the dissociative "cap" so that the high activation underneath can be dispensed in a titrated, gentle way. Once dissociation is reduced and some resiliency restored to the nervous system, it is far easier to monitor activation levels and move the client through the material.
It's been my impression, however, that many therapists haven't been trained to recognize dissociation. (The subject never even came up in my doctoral education.) They thus risk strengthening dissociative symptoms by prematurely dealing with issues that the client's nervous system is as yet unprepared to process.
Heller, Diane P. (2001). Crash Course: A Self-Healing Guide to Auto Accident Trauma & Trauma Recover. Berkely, California: North Atlantic Books.
Rothschild, Babette ((2000). The Body Remembers: The Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.
1 Dissociation is also known as a trait. This means it is suspected that some people are dissociative all the time. Interestingly, in the research literature the subject is typically around dissociation as a trait and in the clinical literature the focus is generally on dissociation as a state. See below for more details;
Hallings-Pott, C., Waller, G., Watson, D., Scragg, P. State Dissociation in Bulimic Eating Disorders: An Experimental Study International Journal of Eating Disordings. 2005; 38:37–41.
I am grateful to Dr. Lynne Zettl and Ed Josephs' clinical demonstrations of how dissociation works and their descriptions of how it impacts the nervous system. Their clinical work clearly demonstrates that we need to address this issue in the literature and in our clinical trials.
On the prevalence of dissociation: I am seeing dissociation in public in greater numbers. I am curious if others are seeing the same.
I found a quote by Grotsein (as quoted by Allan Schore) that suggests a similar impression:
"the phenomenon of dissociation…is more widespread and universal than has hitherto been thought" (pg. 111). From: Grotstein, J. S. (1981). Splitting and projective identification. New York: Jason Aronson.
“The process of dissociation is an elegant mechanism built into the human psychological system as a form of escape from (sometimes literally) going crazy. The problem with checking out so thoroughly is that it can leave us feeling dead inside, with little or no ability to feel our feelings in our bodies. The process of repair demands a re-association with the body, a commitment to dive into the body and feel today what we couldn’t feel yesterday because it was too dangerous.”
Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence.
Therapy Lingo Article?
TJ (QLD, Australia)
Dear Shrinklady, I have finally figured out what has been happening to me for years. I have a terrible childhood, which I only remember bits and pieces of and my teenage years I remember clearer but I still have lost a lot of memories. Unfortunately my dissociation is still continuing severly.
There have been times when something bad has happened and I would go into a dream state. I will still move and interact with people but once I snap out it'll be like recalling a dream. I have ignored it for years until recently when I suddenly got angry with my boyfriend. I yelled at him and grabbed his arm scratching it. I vaguely remember what I said to him but I have no recollection of grabbing his arm.
After that I realised it was a problem that needs to be fixed, especially before I have children. I went to the doctor and I was able to get 12 free sessions with a psychologist. I wasted two on a woman that was trying to cure my non existent anxiety. So I only have 10 left, but by the sounds of it, it might take a lot longer to fix. I won't be able to afford to keep going once my free sessions run out.
I have been able to live a very normal life dispite the horrific childhood and I think i'm a very resilient person to have not fallen appart after all these years. But I do not want to bring children into the world knowing that I could blank out when they become to much for me. It's too dangerous.
Yes, TJ that would be too bad not to have children. I can certainly understand why you would want to get this problem addressed before kids. Having children takes a lot of energy.
It is so important to find a therapist that understands dissociative processes. You might want to do some interviewing of therapists on the phone before you make an appointment. Make sure the therapist that you choose has expertise working with folks with significant dissociation. It may take a little longer to find someone who's competent and with whom you feel comfortable. Always remember, you are well worth the search.
TJ, I'd like you to consider one other option. See if there is any way that you can pay out of pocket for therapy. It might mean for instance, delaying the purchase of a home or finding a higher paying job. When therapy works well, it can improve our lives immensely. It's like getting a college degree in that regard. It's an investment in your future for living a life that's healthy and happy. With the right therapist the benefits are enormous.
And as you grow, so will your capacity not only to stay present, but also to be the mother you yearn to be.
I wish you the best on your journey,
Anonymous (Ontario, Canada)
Marijuana is what made me start having dissociation. That is, I would experience these symptoms (especially derealization) while high, and then they eventually transferred into sober life. I am trying to come to terms with it; it is distressing but also interesting.
I thought I might have panic disorder, but I am not anxious all of the time, and I don't seem to have panic attacks, either. I have a weird relationship with this--sometimes I want to induce it because I'm bored and I want to feel an interesting change in consciousness, but other times it is unpleasant. Maybe the cure is just to deal with it.
I used to regret smoking pot--thought it made me this way--but now I find that repeating to myself that my experiences with marijuana contributed to some major creative breakthroughs, I feel better. Let's all dissociate!
Well Anonymous, I see that you don't have a specific question but let me muse. Consider the possibility that you may have already been dissociative before marijuana upted the ante.
The main problem appears to be that your nervous system is dysreguated and the marijuana is how you bring it back into your window of tolerance. The window of tolerance is essentially the range where we experience the "normal" ups and downs of living a life well.
In other words, the window of tolerance is optimal for functioning. It's our more balanced state. And it sounds like for the most part, you're trying to get yourself there through drugs.
You see, sometimes we're hyped and addictive substances bring us back into a "normal" range (the window of tolerance).
Other times, dissociation numbs us into boredom. We don't feel the actual "hyped" energy underneath because it's capped. And whether you're aware of it or not, the marijuana is once again bringing you back into the window of tolerance range.
The creative bursts come when you are hanging out in the window of tolerance and finally discovering the benefits of being there. Now, imagine getting there and being there all the time - without the use of drugs!
That's what good therapy - especially body psychotherapy - can do for you.
Take care Anonymous,
BTW, you may have read my earlier remarks about one of the easiest ways to get started with therapy i.e. through online counseling. That would have helped me way back when I was first trying therapy. Amazing...today you can started right from home!
*Here's the service I partnered with...check out the LivePerson therapists here.
Dennis (surrey bc, canada)
Ive been struggling to figure out what is wrong with me. I keep having episodes that last sometimes weeks , were I am having trouble focusing on objects, feelings of dizziness, confusion and noise around me startles me and really bothers me.
Ive been told it is anxiety so I went with that diagnosis and have been trying different meds to help me with this but so far ativan is the only one that helps but I feel really crappy once I stop taking it so it doesnt help for long term.
I am almost suicidal which for me is something ive never wanted to do, but I just cant live like this I cant work or even hold a job due to being so confused i cant even focus long enough to complete simple tasks.
I was just wondering if there is any other things that could be wrong with me I am an ex heroin addict and I am wondering if maybe the 6years of using finally has caught up to me? Any feedback or questions you have for me would be great.
Thanx Dennis D
Hi Dennis, sounds like you could use some immediate help. Congrats on going clean and for putting yourself out there with this post.
It sounds like you have high activation. High activation essentially means your nervous system is amped up. I believe it's amped up due to trauma.
Dizziness, problems in focusing, confusion, exaggerated startle and sensitivity to noise are all common symtpoms of a nervous system suffering the effects of a post-traumatic stress condition. It's like your nervous system is revving way too high.
Let me clarify one thing. It isn't exactly correct to assume your heroin use created your current problem although, it no doubt exacerbated your condition. Many folks in the field of affect regulation and body psychotherapy recognize addictive behaviour as the individual's need to regulate the nervous system. In other words, your heroin use no doubt initially arose out of your need to regulate your emotional states.
But of course as you discovered, while heroin temporarily solves an acute problem, it comes with dire consequences.
The most effective way to down regulate the nervous system for a change that's lasting, is through an attuned therapist who uses right-brain strategies. A good therapist is like an affect regulator. In the safety of a therapeutic relationship, your nervous system can begin to learn to regulate on its own.
Right brain therapy entails using the body in a way that helps to re-set the nervous system at a lower "buzzing" level. Body psychotherapists are specialists in this area as are folks who use mindfulness techniques in their practices.
You may also find the support of holistic practitioners useful. If we've had high activation for a number of years, it can deplete the workings of the internal organs. If you have the resources, see a naturopath, a herbalist etc. to help support your body as you transition through your recovery process.
I caution you to avoid getting therapy that is strictly "talk therapy". Find a therapist who specializes in trauma. Your nervous system cannot easily handle being triggered (which is what can happen if the work in your therapy isn't contained).
After you feel more settled, you're in a much better place to start digging into traumatic material. I can't emphasize this enough.
Let us know how it works out for you,
christina (Quebec, Canada)
I am a 30 year old female with dissociation. I feel like I am going crazy and have decided to visit a psychotherapist. I have an appointment in a few days and was wondering what kind of medication is used to treat dissociation?
Hello Christina, sorry to hear how it's going. Sounds as if the dissociation is causing a great deal of trouble for you. It's good to hear you've booked an appointment to see a psychotherapist.
With regards to medications, as I understand it, there is no medication for dissociation. There are however medications for symptoms related to it such as anxiety and depression.
My preference - as you might guess from my article on medications - is to see a health practitioner such as a naturopath, homeopath or a herbalist who can treat the related symptoms in a gentle, non-invasive way. These practitioners generally recommend the use of supplements, herbs and remedies that are not so strong that they interfere with your therapeutic work.
You probably weren't expecting my personal views about medications so I hope you don't mind if I elablorate on the subject.
Let me explain what I mean by "interferring" with your therapy work.
The progress you make in therapy is state dependent. This means that the gains you achieve rely to some extent on your physiological state at the time. For example, when someone comes off meds, the body state changes and there's a good chance of losing some of the gains they've achieved. So taking the gentler route, in my view, optimizes your chances for getting long lasting change.
Here's what we believe is happening with medications and therapy. Strong medications such as pharmaceutical drugs generally place a limit on the amount of learning your nervous system can do. This is because they tend to restrict the range of emotions for both excitement and stress (which provides relief to the person taking the medication). However, without that range, the nervous system is learning within a smaller window of potential change in your therapy sessions and so your wins may be less dramatic.
Just so you know, there's a great variability in what I'm saying Christina, so please take this into account. We don't know enough about the downside of medications as most of the research money is going elsewhere.
Now, if you find you're not functioning at work or your condition is causing problems in your relationships, it would certainly be understandable for you to consider pharmaceuticals. These drugs can be useful in the acute stages of some emotional states.
Having said all that, I believe the best treatment is what you are about to do in seeing a therapist. And if your chosen therapist is adept at helping you manage through your emotions your progress will likely be steady. (see "Is therapy working for you?" for more information recognizing progress in your counseling or psychotherapy)
I hope it works out for you Christina,
All the best,
Femme Perturbee (France)
Hi Shrinklady, Interesting read, but it goes only so far. My zoning out ends in being someone else. I discover that when I sone back in...
I'm not sure how dissociative I am, but it's a major issue. I'm dissociative internal (even between languages), miss out lots of what happened during a day (need to keep track on paper for that) and external (my partner tells me regularly I wasn't me).
This is just the tip of the iceberg...
I can't function in my daily life, I asked for help from a psychiatrist, but my doctor mentioned already that there are great pills for that. (I'm in France). It's the first time I hear that there are meds, but I doubt any benefits. If I lose my ability to work (which is a part I know next to nothing about), what good is that? Will meds integrate, melt, hide, or otherwise alter the structure? I know I'll have to find out what meds we're talking about, but it is all scary.
I'm not diagnosed DID yet, but so far all the signs look like it. (Changed last names 4 times so far in my life, lived in 5 different countries in the last 10 years and not remembering much of it). I'm a mess... :-D
On top of it all, I think I have some 'parts' that enjoy taking therapists for a ride when things get too hairy... Most of the 'tricks' don't work...
By the way, I'm 41 and I think I've been running away from life during 95% of that. Currently I pose no danger to myself or others, that I managed to be sure of now. Any suggestions??
Hello Femme Perturbee, thanks for dropping by. I can see that you're up against a challenge...inside and out! (I'm being a little cheeky here and not so.)
Here's the bottom line. You need to find a therapist who knows what he or she is doing and someone who will work through the "tricks". Then batton down and go for the ride. It's gonna take time. So choose wisely.
Just to clarify. Meds won't help DID. They can't integrate parts. Sometimes they are helpful when folks suffer from severe mood swings. The meds bring them more into a middle range that's tolerable.
All the best,
Jen (NY, USA)
Before I enter in dissociation I am usually depressed. A set back from stresses. Usually more than one. I start to feel everything x100. Like my feelings are magnified far beyond a normal person.
When the pain is too much to handle and it starts. I can feel my brain filling with natural pain killers while i am dissociating because i feel nothing. I am kind of floating. I can lose a lot of time doing nothing in a trance almost.
Then when I come out of it...I have an intense need..like i am soo hungry, craving sugar...or drugs/alcohol. Anything. I do NOT use drugs or alcohol as a crutch so I work out until I am beat tired. I will feel the numbness and good feelings for a short while again. I want to do stuff/behaviors that are risky. Drive fast, sex and reckless stuff, Maybe to get my adrenaline up again. I have a lot of nervous energy.
I do have depression and anxiety. I am on 2 antidepressants. Several things happened right before this cycle started. 1, job loss, 2,break up, 3, possible health problems 4,too painful to mention.
What can I do to stop the crazy cycle? OR is this something other than dissociation?
It sounds like the transitions out of dissociation can be quite dramatic for you. No doubt, the job loss, break up and health problems maxed you out…as they would many folks. This must be a really difficult time for you.
I think it might take a bit of a balancing act to get out of the cycle. I have a suggestion that will make a big difference depending on how successful you are putting it into practice. Basically, you need to regulate how much stimulation you receive on any given day.
As I have explained in previous posts, we move into dissociation when the "charge" in the nervous system (i.e. the revved up anxious state) gets too high. (And just so you know, the body chooses dissociation. It's not under our conscious control, just as when we come out of it and start buzzing high again, isn't)
You need to gently transition out of dissociation. Reducing the amount of nervous energy in the system beforehand will help a lot.
For example, if you're going out to lunch, followed by shopping and meeting up with friends at the party in the evening - well, that's too much. If you're stressed out at work during the day, pass on going out at night.
It may also be helpful for you to read about the biphasic response. This will help you understand the swings you're experiencing. Once you have a better sense of how the nervous works and how your cravings and risky behaviors are your "best" attempts to "match" and "regulate" the uncomfortable sensations your're experiencing, you'll hopefully feel a little better.
The thing is, Jen, in order to ultimately reduce the extremes of these swings you'll need to get the help of a good therapist who understands the importance of nervous system regulation. In my opinion body psychotherapists are the experts at getting a handle on this.
Hope that helps,
Naz (ON, Canada)
Shrinklady, I am new to this whole concept of dissociation, but about a month ago I have been getting panic attacks, and followed by that I am still having a great deal of anxiety. Sometimes, now more frequently than before, I feel like an alien in my own body, as if there is a seperation from me and my actual skin, sometimes its as if I am present in my brain and not the rest of my body, its a very unsettling feeling, and so I just go through every day with this ball in my stomach trying not to think about it.
Are there any ways in which I can help myself, is this a common thing with anxiety/panic? and which therapy would you recommend?
Hi Naz, thanks for your questions. When the body moves into dissociation - that "alien in your body" feeling - it's a sign that your activation has moved up a notch outside your window of capacity to tolerate.
Another way of saying this means that you've experienced too much stimulation for your nervous system to manage.
You see, a nervous system works best when energy can flow both ways - we take energy in and then soon after, we let it go. When we're "maxed out" we're not letting go and the activation piles up. It's like every cell is firing high. This situation occurs when the nervous system is compromised as it often is after traumatic stress.
It may help to know that dissociation is a protective mechanism. The body chooses this response to help you avoid feeling over charged. It's a normal bodily function that comes online when we're too hyped up.
Is it common with anxiety and panic? Very common. Milder forms surface when someone stares out to space after reading a few paragraphs or working on a computer.
However, most folks miss the signs. They've lived with it so long it's their "normal". This was certainly the case for me. And because it was a longstanding part of my coping, I didn't interpret it as something out of the ordinary. It was my adaptation.
Of course, it compromised my perceptions in ways unknowingly until I started to live in a different way.
Dissociation numbs out the body. When it lifts, we feel the activation underneath - often experienced as anxiety. This is progress - however rotten it feels.
There are many ways to help yourself through these uncomfortable sensations. The best way is to resource your body. Because this state is psychophysiological, calming the body will help lift the dissociative "cap".
However, for folks who are chronically dissociative even this may not be enough. They will need the support of another nervous system - hopefully a grounded other (which is where therapy comes in) - to help shift into more regulation. This will likely take some time.
I recommend a body-based therapy, one that brings the whole notion of presence and the felt sense into your world. Body psychotherapy is one such therapy (e.g. Sensoriomotor Psychotherapy, Somatic Experiencing, Hakomi, and mindfulness based therapies).
I wish you all the best on your therapeutic journey Naz,
Jamie (RI, USA)
I have dissociative amnesia, I can't remember any of my life before age 14 and only a few things since. It's like I've dissociated myself from my entire life. I know that I was abused from age 3 until age 14 and I know who did it, but I don't know what he did.
I've been in therapy for 8 months and still not getting any closer to retreiving my memories... The hardest part is knowing that I have this, knowing what caused it, and not knowing how to fix it. It has caused me to be hopeless. I feel like a lost cause, I really, really do. I have read this entire site and still I think "well i know what dissociation is, I know what caused mine, but where do I start in fixing it? HELP!!!
Hello Jamie, I'm pleased to hear that you've started therapy because I know that it's from within a safe and caring relationship that the nervous system will start to heal. Yet, I sense that you're getting a little frustrated with the slow pace of change so I want say that I hope you will keep trying.
You're right about there not being much information on the site to help you "fix" dissociation. I hope to be more specific in future articles. Until then, I'd like to offer my impressions.
It seems that you're pouring a lot of energy into the hope that somehow uncovering your memories will remove the dissociation. The reality is that your recovery from dissociation isn't necessarily gonna happen by uncovering memories. Recovering lost memoreis may actually not even be necessary for the nervous system to return to optimal functioning. The healing occurs in relationship with your therapist.
Let me explain.
Dissociation is a psychophysiological process caused by dysregulation of the nervous system. Dysregulation means your nervous system gets too easily tapped out by stimulation. It can only handle so much stress. Dissociation is the end result of this maxed out state.
To "fix" the dissociation it's necessary for your nervous system to experience your emotions in a way that's easier. This happens naturally when we're in the presence of another with whom we have a good connection with.
This is also a body-felt process. You can't talk, or think, your way there. It must be experienced. For instance, it's pretty hard to learn to dance from reading a book. Similarly, you must feel an emotion in order to learn a new way of managing it.
Here's where the relationship with your therapist becomes important. In the safety of a good therapeutic relationship, you will learn to better manage and move through your emotions. You see, without safety, it's pretty hard to access our emotions especially deeply held ones. And as I mentioned, we need to feel an emotion, in order to change our experience of it.
The more that your therapy brings you into awareness of what's happening in the moment, the faster your recovery will be. It's being conscious of our current state whereby the brain more easily adapts to new ways of being.
Now, in saying that, it's also possible to speed up the process by using right brain strategies to calm your body. Because of the mind body connection, we know that calming the body, calms the mind. Yoga, tai chi and light-touch body-based therapies (e.g. craniosacral therapy) are a few possibilities.
I hope that gives you some food for thought Jamie,
P.S. If you haven't done so already try the "Is therapy working for you?" eCourse for a better explanation of why emotions must be experienced to be changed.
*Note: I want you to know up front that I’ve partnered with LivePerson and have been for years now as it is my only recommended source that I know and trust. As an affiliated partner, I am compensated by Live Person should you choose to engage a therapist.
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