Attachment Issues

Maria (United Kingdom)

Dear Suzanne,

Maybe there is something really mentally very wrong with me. And I mean really. It is one of the things which frighten me, has always frightened me. Because of it I put off ever ever going into therapy after a very unsuccessful few years of therapy which I had very many years ago. I always swore "Never again".

A few years ago I met a therapist who I liked, felt comfortable with. I agreed to start therapy with her. I found myself trusting her both easily and quickly. I knew I needed help. Our relationship seems/seemed/seems to be a good one. I became both very attached to and dependent on her. I want so much to simply relax, open up to her, and allow her to help me help myself. This is what I really do want.

So, attached to her, trusting her, liking her, feeling what I believe is completely secure within the relationship I have with her, I reach a point where I suddenly feel myself going out of control, ie. losing control, a sort of spinning inwards as we might near something which (and I stress this) I want to share with her, I want so so much to share with her, and yet it's as though the gates slam shut and I run, mentally until I am out of the treatment room, and then literally run away from her, cancelling appointments, hiding, just, well running.

I make an appointment with her secretary for way in the future, weeks/months away, so it is not as though I plan on never going back, but as the time approaches I wish I hadn't, even though I want to see her and try once again. It is as though there is another person stopping me from opening up, but I know that I want to. (There isn't another person inside of me stopping me, but it feels like that).

And all the while I am worrying about her, worried that I have done wrong, seriously put her out, been unintentionally rude and etc. This thing with attachment has bugged me all my life, whether it is with marriages, relationships, friendships, anything. I do know it comes from a problematic childhood....no mystery there! It has caused a problem, understandably, because no matter how much I love someone, no matter how much I want to be committed, no matter (rightly or wrongly) how attached I might find myself to them, suddenly its a "run for your life scenario, hide, put distance, go back when you are more in control" and the thing is I am aware of this, I know this, I don't want it, and no matter how absurd this may sound I genuinely can't help it.

I am not indulging myself and saying "Well, I can't help it" because what I actually want to do is 'play' it another way, its because I can't seem to stop myself from doing it. I look at my poor therapist and think 'Oh goodness, you really don't need me, you need a holiday from me, and sadly for me maybe a permanent one'!

Why do I do this? Why does this happen? If you can, and have the time, I would be so interested to hear what you might suggest. And obviously very very grateful too!

Maria.

Hi Maria, it sounds like you've got some good insight going about what's happening for you. You've identified the pattern and you seem to appreciate that these feelings show up in all your relationships. That's a great start.

First, it's important to understand that your feelings towards your therapist (and the fears associated) have their roots in your infant development. As you may know, you are experiencing transference.

Transference offers a wonderful opportunity for your brain to learn a new way of being in relationship that is...if you are able to follow through and return to therapy and learn to engage with your therapist.

Secondly, let me assure you that what's happening to you can also be explained when you understand the natural workings of the nervous system. (This knowledge will also give you some ideas on how to manage your emotions more easily).

Here's what I think might be happening to you on a psychophysiological level. And by the way, your experience of "spinning inward" sounds like you might be getting flooded.  A close colleague of mine used to dissociate inward and she'd describe it using the same terms.

We get flooded when we move out of our Comfort Zone. If you've watched the Brain Wise Series, you'll better understand what I mean. In the movies, you'll learn for instance that your nervous system will move into flight, a natural state when we get too activated. And when the nervous system starts to max out, we'll move into freeze. For many folks, this freeze state is dissociation.

Flight is a survival strategy that all nervous systems are built to use when we face a threat - and in your case, the threat is an emotional one.

Here's what I suggest. Reduce your activation. By reducing your activation, you'll be in a better postion to tolerate the angst that arises when you start to risk an close interaction with your therapist.

I explain how to do that in more depth in the Brain Coaching Program but essentially it requires using body-based strategies (calming the body to calm the mind). These techniques are the fastest most efficient way I know how for bringing your nervous system into balance and out of flight mode.

You might also consider using body-based, mind-body and holistic modalities that I've described in MyCounselingLInks. They generally help to bring the nervous system into balance and give you the "space" to feel your feelings without being overwhelmed.

Hope that offers you some suggestions Maria and thanks for your question,

Best,

Shrinklady

Marg Hunter (Sylvan Lake, Alberta, Canada)

Dear Shrinklady - I am a 51 year old woman who left my marriage and my home town about 3 years ago. The reason for leaving my husband was that I felt he never gave me the love and affection I was looking for, although I know he did love me. I am also the child of an alcoholic father who died 20 years ago and a loving but co-dependent mother who is now dying in a Nursing Home.

I am bitterly unhappy and terribly lonely so I have started on a journey of self discovery. I have a pattern of bad relationships with men and I realize this will continue if I don't find happiness within myself or at least a sense of self. I have discovered that I have abandonment issues (I think partly due to the fact that I am second youngest in a family of five siblings).

I know I should see a therapist but I have limited funds. Can you recommend some books that might help me? I just seek peace of mind and an end to the loneliness I have always felt. I never feel connected with the world, although I do have a close and supporting family.

Marg

Hi Marg, it's wonderful to hear that you're on a journey of self-discovery. I can see that you're taking a courageous step by opening yourself up and trying to see yourself as honestly as you can.

My recommendation for a book is Becoming Attached by Robert Karen. Here's a copy of an article he wrote in 1990 in the Atlantic.

One thing you should know Marg, reading material like this can be quite triggering as the body reads along with our conscious mind. So, if you start to feel agitated and/or worse, take an break and/or read the book in smaller bits. You may even consider that the reading material as just "too much" for now.  That's so okay and that's why having a therapist can be so beneficial.

I know you mentioned that therapy appears too expensive. I would encourage you to seek the services of a therapist any way you know how. Attachment patterns are not easily re-scripted and fundamentally require a new experience with another nervous system.  While books can't really offer that, I do believe books can help create a readiness for change.

Here's a couple ideas for getting some therapy.

Call the schools offering Masters and or Doctoral programs in counseling. Sometimes, a school has a clinic where students practice their craft. Often the students receive a lot of supervision and only carry a small number of clients. This extra attention can be beneficial.

If your work offers to pay for courses why not take one at your local university. Even a related course in psychology or counseling can help you understand your process better. As a student, you may also qualify to receive the services of the local counseling center.

Take care Marg and I wish you all the best,

Shrinklady

Puppy Lover (California)

I am in my 50's and have just recently found out that I have attachment/abandonment issues. I entered therapy for a completely different reason and have been surprised to find out that many of my behaviors are caused by this.

I was adopted and I have known it all my life. It never bothered me, in fact I was proud of it because I was told that I was chosen. I never wanted to search for my birth parents for many reasons, but mostly because I was afraid it would hurt my parents' feelings. After all, they had saved me from what most likely would have been a difficult life at best, and had given me a wonderful life.

I always knew that I had been adopted at 10 weeks of age, but I never questioned what took place during those 10 weeks. Both of my parents have passed away now and I am consumed by wondering what life was like for me during those first 10 weeks. Was I with my birth mom? Did someone pick me up when I cried? Did I bond with anyone?

It has been brought to my attention, through therapy, that I am way over the top when I attach to someone. I am so hyper-vigilant about my husband or my children's welfare. When I don't know where they are, I become physically affected. Panic sets in and my mind goes to some very dark places from worry.

I have very intense transference for my therapist and she is now within the circle of those who I worry about. Will she leave me? Does she think badly of me? Will something happen to her and our relationship will be severed? I have had this discussion with her and she always tries to ease my fears and help me to believe that she will be there for me. I'm just not sure that I will ever let go of my fears.

My parents were caring and loving and I can't complain about my life. But I am not capable of showing my emotions to anyone. Now I am wondering if I put this shield up around myself to protect me from ever being traumatized/abandoned again, as I was by my birth mother. I know that when I was adopted, no one thought that an infant would be affected by the separation from the birth mother. Infants had no memory, so how could they be affected? Well, the trauma is huge and I now question who my real self is. Am I the person I was meant to be?

Puppy Lover

Hi Puppy Lover, ideas can only take us so far. We can sit with an idea for a while and it can help. But we often can't hold the set, that is the soothing sensations that come along with it. They tend to ebb away. Sometimes quickly, sometimes they last a little longer.

So, for example, the idea that you were chosen for adoption has soothed you for many years. With the death of your parents, you appear to have tipped into some emotional reckoning around your birth mother's early decision.

The task ahead of you Puppy Lover is to continue to take small risks towards closeness with your therapist. It is her attunement to you, that will enable you to move into a more secure connection. Maybe even taking this post into your therapy and using it as a jumping off point for your next step would help.

You might also want to explore with your therapist how your loving relationship with your parents has not been sufficient to shift you into a more secure attachment with your husband and children.

Here's a curious question Puppy Lover. How did you open up to the love of puppies? I suggest that maybe in the same way, you might learn to open up to the assurances of your therapist. Certainly, the love of my dog helped me to do just that!

Take good care,

Shrinklady

Miranda (Indianapolis, U.S.A.)

I'm 24yrs. old . I never knew my biological father. I just started therapy and my therapist says that this caused me to have abandonment issues. This has affected my marriage. How can I help deal with my abandonment issues between my therapy sessions. Any advice or techniques that can help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks Miranda

Hi Miranda, you know what, this is a great question to pose to your therapist. Abandonment issues are really tricky and we can abandon ourselves in our attempt to resolve them. So the more that you are able to talk to your therapist about what's happening between sessions, the better you will be able to work through your difficulties in your marriage.

In other words, bring your therapist into your world between sessions. Don't allow yourself to be abandoned by him or her - otherwise there's a reenactment in play.

All the best on your journey Miranda,

Shrinklady

Karie (Chatham, Ontario, Canada)

I developed an attachment injury as a child and didn't know what was wrong for many years. My fear of abandonment, lack of a strong self, and inability to regulate my emotions caused me a lot of grief. I'm finding it's taking a lot of work (and tears) to heal from an attachment injury.

I am impressed that you are knowledgeable about current attachment theory and the information and support I found here is valuable. I recently read an article co-authored by Judith & Allan Schore (2008), called Modern Attachment Theory: The Central Role of Affect Regulation in Development and Treatment. It was published in the Clinical Social Work Journal. The article is great at explaining what happens in a baby's brain when early nurturing doesn't happen as needed and how that can affect the adult life of the individual.

I found the article fascinating and I used the paper by Schore & Schore (2008) on Modern Attachment Theory to link Childhood Attachment Injury to Adult Suicide.

Thanks for this great site. I'm just beginning to familiarize myself with all you have available here.

Karie

Thanks Karie for your feedback and taking the time to post that reference.

Best,

Shrinklady

Karli

Hi!

I'm just wondering what happens when a child has an attachment to the mother but the mother has postnatal depression and can't immediatly bond with the baby?

Does this affect the baby as an adult, or is the bond, that is developed later, enough?

Karli

Hi Karli,

What we are coming to understand about brain plasticity leads us to believe that much can still be done. Even the attachment bond that develops later can be healing and reparative.

Every few months, the infant goes through emotional milestones that are part of, and reflected in, the infant's growing musculature. Fortunately, nature provides a means for these stages of development to be re-mastered once again during adolescence.

These are characteristics that we previously thought were genetic in origin but that we now understand can be modified (e.g. autonomy - being able to take initiative, securing support etc., and needs - being able to recognize and express them, etc.)

But, there are also time-sensitive milestones after which change can take a very long time, if at all. These are believed to be set by our genetic coding. You may recall for instance, that sight is time sensitive.

For instance, removing cataracts after puberty will not restore one's sight if these were present at birth. There are other milestones, but I'm afraid I'm less familiar with those that might affect the growing infant. I suspect there's more research to be done in this area.

The impact of the mother's emotional and physical state would depend on the severity and length of time she has been depressed. It's also my impression that a woman who suffers from post-natal depression doesn't necessarily recover the resiliency in her nervous system immediately following some symptom relief.

In fact, the lack of resiliency in a mom's nervous system may indeed account for the predisposition to develop post-natal depression. As you are likely aware, when a nervous system is more regulated, we are better able to manage stressful and traumatic events (e.g. a difficult birth).

So, it goes without saying that the sooner a depressed mom gets into therapy the better. And, the good news is that a healthy nervous system can promote resiliency in another's at any time. In my view, there's no better way to help a nervous system regulate than by going to therapy. (please excuse the obvious rant!)

Hope that gives you some food for thought Karli.

Regards,

Shrinklady

needashrink

My wife of 5 years' parents divorced when she was young. She hasn't seen him in years. Holidays are always tough and she has a hard time being around my close family. She has trouble with the fact she has my last name, as if she is hanging on to a piece of her father. "We didn't need to get married, we could have just lived together is what she now says."

Quite a bit different than she used to say and want (same goes for having kids). She now is saying she is not happy with "everything" and doesn't have the same feelings. It's as if I am dealing with 2 different people any given day. She is going to therapy to find out why she is not happy (believe me...it is abandonment issues, I've done my research!)

My question is..what is the best way for me to act around her....We care about each other alot ,and she is trying to almost block her feelings now and convince herself otherwise (saying she feels smothered, which is bogus--I give her all the space in the world)..I am not leaving her as I know what we really have underneath all the drama. She is my soulmate. I want to help our relationship grow.

NeedaShrink

Hi Needashrink, a short answer to your detailed question about how you can best support your wife…be your loving self despite how challenging it may be at times for you to do so.

When we are scared (whether we know it consciously or not), we need a solid, firm base to bump up against, even it we protest against it. And, in this relationship, you appear to be your wife’s “secure base”. So, being lovingly steady is best for her and for you as she looks more deeply into her own issues.  

You mentioned that your wife seems to be two different people on the same day. Sometimes when folks are going through tough times, they can find it difficult to pull themselves together.

Let me explain.

As you likely know from exploring the site, when we are overwhelmed, our emotional brain is running the show, so the logical brain tends to come along for the ride, doing its best to create the most relevant story or meaning about what’s going on.

This helps explain how we can say all types of things to our partner when we are having a melt down, and later on confess to ourselves (and hopefully them), “What was I thinking, I don’t really feel that way!!”.  This may be what's going on for your wife.

On the other hand, many people enter marriage for reasons they don't fully understand. As they mature and become more emotionally aware, the life they've chosen may come up for reevaluation.

For example, when some folks marry they “become” the role as defined in their families and by the culture…quite unconsciously for the most part. So, a woman can “become the wife” (just as the man "becomes the husband") and at some point begin to question the "constraints" that came along with that role, particularly if her parent’s marriage was difficult.  

Towards the end of your message, you mentioned that you wife has felt "smothered" despite the "space" you give her. Let me say a few words about this. It's possible that at her core, she is experiencing a deep fear of living out the patterns witnessed and lived through as a child. As a result, there can be a see-saw between a yearning to connect and a fear of being engulfed by the intensity of emotions that emerge.

Oftentimes, a pattern like this becomes more apparent as a marriage matures. Either partner becomes aware that painful, deeply laid-down attachment patterns have to change for the marriage to grow. 

I’m so glad to hear that your wife is in therapy. One of the great gifts that we can give ourselves and our partners is the ability to pull off our projections and become more congruent within ourselves.

Therapy can help you too – something to think about should you feel the need for more understanding and support. Couples therapy may be worth considering, too.     

Dr. Carole and Shrinklady

Lorraine (Harrisburg, United States)

I was recently involved with a guy, I tried over and over to walk away but could not. I felt that I needed him to be around because I was afraid to be alone. I have considered therapy for a long time to talk about abondonment issues from my mother not being in my life but showing up when i was 8 trying to take me from my dad. I lived with foster parents until I was one so I don't know if there are any attachment issues there.

I really don't know what going to therapy will change. I feel like I am who I am...I don't know if I can change. Also I feel like if I can talk about my mother and tell someone about the pain such as a good friend who listens why am I not moving on? What does it take to "blow out the torch"?

Lorraine

Hi Lorraine, yes, the fear of being alone can drive our behaviour in ways that don't always work for us, as you described, staying with someone when we really want to be leaving. That's what I would describe as an attachment issue.

Your early abandonment, losing your foster parents (an infant would grieve the loss of foster parents too) would undoubedly have had a major impact on your emotional development. A whole year is a pretty long time in an infant's life. You would have had a strong attachment built up by then. And, I could imagine these abandonment fears would have been ignited again when you were 8 years old.

I loved your question about therapy, Lorraine. It's the kind of question that inspired me to do this site. I know many folks don't understand how talking with a friend can be any different than talking with a therapist but they are worlds apart.

I probably won't be able to do justice to the answer because it really takes a whole site to explain it (or a whole book).

First off, to change how you are, you need to change the brain. It's not so much in the "talking" that therapy changes the brain although this might help you feel better for a while. You can get this from both a friend and a therapist. But it's how you are with the therapist and how the therapist is with you as you talk about it.

What we know about emotions is that they are not easily changed by telling ourselves to change. The feeling that "this is who I am" comes from the implicit memory system. This is our emotional template that we develop in the first few years of life. To change these emotional patterns, we need similar conditions to that time. The brain needs to experience something new but in much the same way that the emotions developed in the first place.

Therapy has these same conditions. For one, you develop a relationship with your therapist, just as you did with your first caretaker or parent. Over the course of your therapy sessions, your brain begins to learn that it's a safe place. This allows you to have access to deeper emotions than you would normally have with a friend. The boundaries in therapy create safety and containment in a way that a friend who has his or her own issues, could rarely do.

We also know that in changing the brain it is essential that the experience be happening in the moment. Any emotional experience creates a neural net (a pattern of neuropathways) in the brain. This needs to be activated in the brain for the change to occur because with the right conditions, new connections can be made. This allows you to experience the emotion differently in the future.

It's in moments where the therapist draws attention to you current state that change is possible. Because the therapist helps create an experience that the brain can learn from.

There are many ways that this occurs but to give you a couple examples...if you are talking about your boyfriend and how you're having a hard time leaving, your therapist might pause and ask what you are feeling in the moment. She or he might draw attention to your current state. It'd be pretty hard for most friends to do this for you, let alone help you contain the emotions that arise.

The therapist might also draw attention to what's happening between the two of you. In this way, he or she is bringing into the present feelings that might have arisen in any miscommunication that occured. It's in the repair of these misattunements where healing occurs.

Yeah, that's a really simplified version of how therapy differs from a friend and I've left out a bunch but hopefully, you've got enough to decide to give therapy a chance.

All the best,

Shrinklady