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So like I was saying, I was pretty out there when I started.
Being Seen
By Dr. Suzanne LaCombe, June 8, 2006.
Updated: August 1, 2009.
Being seen does not refer exclusively to being physically seen, although it is certainly an element of the experience. I may be able to do a presentation to a group of twelve, but when my therapist makes eye contact with me I shrink inside (no pun intended!).
We all vary in the degree to which we enjoy being physically seen. The individual who always seeks a "safe place" away from the gaze of others probably does not want to be seen. At a social gathering you will find them in a corner or down the hall where only a few may see them. Another might walk down the street eyes down, never making eye contact. These behaviors make the person feel safer you see.
My Personal Musings
But it isn't just what we do physically to avoid the discomfort of being seen. It's also about what we do with our energy.
There are people you notice and others you don't.
We unconsciously retract our energy when we do not wish to be seen. Famous actors are good at this, although they may be unaware of doing so. For instance, if they need to "disappear" in a crowd they can. Onstage they can be "larger than life" at will.
But for many "disappearing" is a chronic problem. On the job they're passed over for promotion even though they do good work. They may want to be seen and be noticed for what they say or do, but they are not. It isn't because they aren't tall enough or thin enough, or because they don't wear the right clothes. It's about how they hold the energy in their body.
What you need to understand.
The degree to which we are able to manipulate 'being seen' depends to a large extent on how much shame or fear is held in the nervous system, and that is correlated with how our nervous system and reptilian brain perceives certain life events, especially early ones. This perception can easily be mistaken for what we consciously thought was dangerous.
If my nervous system has experienced events it perceives as threatening it expects to find danger everywhere in the environment, even where danger does not exist. This works against any desire to be noticed.
Thus, the fear of being seen has its roots in our evolutionary heritage, for if there is danger in the environment I increase my chances of survival if others do not notice me.
It is the autonomic nervous system that unconsciously regulates how we present ourselves to others. If it's continually on alert, guarding me against all "dangers", even the imaginary ones (via our associations), then it will be much harder for me to be out there and noticed.
After working in therapy for a while, some of my clients report that they are getting noticed more by others. Those around them have stopped talking over them or speaking as if they are not there. My colleague Dr. Carole Gaato likes to use the phrase that captures it best: "More of them is showing up".
If it feels safe to come out of our shells, we will!
Counseling Tip
The feeling of 'being seen' can show up in your therapy when you're working with content that makes you feel exposed or vulnerable. The feeling of 'being seen' can also arise for reasons that are outside our awareness.
A client recently suggested a strategy to reduce this discomfort and it works amazingly well! It also demonstrates the power of the brain/mind when we know how to work with it rather than trying to control it.
Whenever she feels that I am 'seeing' her too much she pulls out her prop - a pair of rose colored sunglasses!
She sometimes proclaims, "Now you can't see me." This is enough to calm her nervous system and in a few minutes she no longer needs the glasses.
It is not her conscious left brain that she is trying to influence; after all, she consciously knows the sunglasses won't make her invisible. No, it's the right brain we're trying to influence, because that's where these uncomfortable images and feeling states originate. In particular, it's also the place where the sensations of 'being seen' reside.
That's the power of the brain!
Related Topic
Sage (Pennsylvannia, USA)
Wow Suzanne,
This topic (being seen) has given me alot to think about. I have always been a quiet kind of sit towards the back of the room kind of person. My parents were very laid back in that respect. This does not mean they or I did not participate or contribute to life.... much to the contrary. We are hard working, generous, and giving people. I was always described as a "silent leader" in my job evaluations. But, I think that these humbling traits also left me very vulnerable.
I like how you use the term "manipulate" to describe how we control how much we want to be seen. That really describes it well. I thought I was in control. I thought I did not need to be seen. I was taught that the reward of a job well done was a job well done.
But its a rough world out there. People do not play fair and I don't know how not to play fair. I see now how gradually withdrew, I became invisible, looked over, ignored, used. So I think I did what I know how to do, I disapeared.
Conciously and I am sure unconciously, I did not, and do no want to be seen. I avoid people and places from my past. I think I do feel ashamed. I don't know why but I do. I am also feel afraid. I don't want to open myself up to that kind of rejection again.
However, this past month I had to change Therapists due to my old T retiring. He was really there for me and saying goodbye was really hard, but I was starting to feel stuck.
My new T seems to want to see me, and suprisingly I want him to see me. I feel like I have another chance at therapy and now I know why I am there. I want to be there. Maybe I can learn to trust again. Maybe I can let myself be seen again. Maybe I will be able to see myself like I have not allowed myself to before. Hell, I want it all!
I am starting to feel excited about this phase of therapy, nervous, but excited. Thank you for giving me the knowlege and resources to help me realize why I am going to therapy in the first place, and wish me luck. (Of course I still have the latent fear of failing therapy if that is possible.)
Sage
Hello Sage, thanks for sharing your story. You've captured the essence of what it's like to move through a life, unseen.
You're not alone of course. In fact, I think this problem besets many folks. Thing is, I doubt they're aware of the breadth of it, just as I doubt they believe they can change their circumstance. That's why I'm glad this article resonated with you. It sounds as if you are about to embark on a new chapter in your life.
It's amazing too how the brain, the most perceptive and adaptive organism in the world, can rationalize the limitations we accept for ourselves. I can see from your description that being a "silent leader" worked for a while. And as you seem to be discovering, ultimately there is no safety in hiding, let alone security.
I'm so glad you're continuing your therapy Sage. I believe you have much to look forward to.
For
instance, imagine a moment in the future...you're seeing your new
stylist for the second time and as he greets you in a busy waiting
room, he doesn't need to ask who you are. He recognizes you instantly
and engages in conversation as if you've just seen him yesterday, even
though it's now six weeks later. You're
being seen and it feels great to experience the difference. (Yup, no
disguising whose life I'm talking about...
Hope all goes well,
Shrinklady
Helen (NJ, USA)
Recently, while skiing at Stratten in VT, a rather large man almost plowed into me. No one was on the ski run, so I could not understand how he couldn't physically see me donned in my Wasabi green jacket.
In therapy I am dealing with early trauma, fear, shame..., so your article explains an alternative possibility. I just thought the guy was an idiot weekend warrior.
I am rather new to therapy. At this point, a baseball cap and sunglasses feel like the best attire. Is that ok?
Helen
Wow Helen, that's an unusual experience. Actually, come to think of it, I bet this type of thing happens more than we realize. So yes I would agree, being unseen might certainly account for someone almost plowing into you on an empty slope. I mean what are the odds, eh.
I have a silky soft comforter and a fluffy pillow in my office and they get used regularly. My clients ground through them all the time. A baseball cap and sunglasses sound like just the thing...whatever helps to make you feel safe.
All the best,
Shrinklady
Karie (Chatham, Ontario, Canada)
I sometimes hate going to a session and wish I could hide behind the couch. I can't look my therapist in the eyes when I'm talking about something that makes me vulnerable.
A couple of weeks ago I tried to tell her that I don't feel like I'm female...or male...that I see myself as neutral, like a perpetual kid in a non-sexed body. I felt so much shame, I'm sure my temperature and blood pressure went up several degrees. Before the session was over I took several peeks at her face. She looked sympathetic to my pain and shame and I felt myself relax a bit. Her words were sensitive and caring.
I've only been seeing her for the past 3 months and don't know her (or trust her) well yet. She said something that helped reduce my shame when I asked her what was wrong with me that day. She said it didn't sound like anything was wrong with me, but that I probably didn't have an adult female to identify with as I was growing up.
She was right. Being seen like that is not easy and seemed to result in fallout for me. I felt incredible anger rise over the next week and felt really angry and upset for a few days. I can now admit I'm angry inside although I'm not yet quite sure how being vulnerable and seen and what I divulged connects with my intense rage.
Karie
Hi Karie, yes anger and particularly rage is the big blast of energy to protect the tender spot. No doubt, the roots of which go way back.
I think that in the wonderful shared moment with your therapist, as you caught her gentle smile, you tapped into a vulnerability that was uncomfortable for you to have had witnessed.
In "feeling seen", shame naturally emerged because as you may know, biologically we feel shame when we are unable to protect ourselves. That is, when we feel vulnerable.
So it sounds as if you and your therapist are off to a fruitful beginning. Good, albeit tough, stuff is emerging - and that's how we change!
Take care Karie,
Shrinklady
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