Tears

nathan

I am breaking down in tears nearly weekly because people are stressing me out.

Is this natural?

Nathan

Sorry to hear how it's going Nathan. Being tearful on a weekly basis is certainly not healthy. I can imagine life is a bit of a struggle right now.

Consider this.

When we're breaking down in tears on an ongoing basis it's likely that the source of the problem is coming from within yourself. For instance, you might examine what's happening in your life and to ask yourself, in times before, could you have managed the stress that these folks appear to be causing you now?

It's very possible that your nervous system is too activated and you're moving from crisis to freeaze states. There's no buffer zone for you to manage the activation associated with stress. So, it's a "natural" state when the nervous system is "maxed" but it's not a place where we want to be for very long.

BTW, if you haven't already seen the movies Inside Job Parts I & II, you might find them helpful in understanding why you're not doing well. (You'll have to login the Myshrink Members area to see them.)

Briefly stated, if you think of your body as a container that holds emotions then consider that the container is too full. There's little room for you to manage emotions. By "emptying" out the container you'd find it easier to manage stress and your emotions.

In other words, your activation level is too high and you're running on empty. By lowering your activation (I describe how to do this in the Brain Coaching Program), you'll find it easier to live your life.

Hope things improve for you,

Best,

Shrinklady

Brit (Australia)

I think i may need help but im unsure :S When i was 2-4 cant quite remember.. My parents split up.. I apparently went through a weird stage and collecting things etc.. Then when i was in year 4 mum and i had an argument that led my to my Fathers.. I lived with him for 6 years after that! ..

Dad started to work away and i was left with my step mum for weeks at a time.. I had had enough of pretending to be someone i wasnt and decided to move back to mums.. I moved in then 2 weeks later My step Dad passed away in a car accident..

I blamed myself for his death because i was supposed to be in the car at the time! I struggeled through losing him, he was considered to be my dad and i loved him dearly.. I then just fell in hole, crying myself to sleep, death thought although im afraid of it, i lost contact with friends, i never go out, i either over eat or refuse to touch food.. I bottle my emotions up until i burst and hurt some i love :(

People try to tell me to "cheer up emo kid" Im not emo and all of a sudden ive become obsessive over things eg: A band.. I have often thought why do i spend so much time up at night so i try to go to bed before 3 am but fail and become miserable and irritated because i cant sleep..

Then i sleep untill 11 am before getting up and mopeing all day.. I wish my life would end.. Sometimes i feel numb and cry sometimes i cry because im annoyed..I think now is the time to add, mum attempted suicide before... my sister has post natal depression my 2 oldest sister has it and i have a feeling my dad has depression..

I dont know what to do im lost i hate life and ive tried everything but im scared to see a profeesional.. i dont want to be in hospital and i dont want to admit to having depression to my family..

Are you able to help me? Please.. x

Sorry alot of this text is just all over the place but im shaky and im not able to concentrate.. :(

Brit

KS (Texas, USA)

Tears scare me. No matter how often I break down and cry - it never gets any easier. Last year I was hospitalized because I could not stop crying. Well, the crying is resurfacing and I am doing all I can to hide this from my family. I do not want to find myself back in the hospital.

Sometimes I sob, other times I whimper like a lost child. I never seem to be able to make a connection with the tears - I have no idea where they come from or why they are there. I do not like to cry for no reason... Well, yesterday the tears returned - full blast! I cried for hours and felt worse when I stopped. I feel as if I have no control over my tears. I try really hard to not cry around people - but I have this desire to just break down and cry with my therapist. I want her to hold me, make it safe and allow me to cry. I turn my tears away and hold on to this "I have no feelings" attitude. If I can not name the emotion, by God I am not going to feel it! (At least, not in front of another person!) I wish I could feel some release from the tears...

What you wrote in "Tears are heaven sent..." makes me want to allow myself to feel or to release my feelings - but I can not break down the walls around me! A part of me is very afraid that if I really cry (especially where people could see) I might lose control. Tears are just so frightening and here I go again - the tears are falling and I just want some one to hold me and make it all better! Tears can not hurt me - so why am I so afraid of them!?

KS

Yes, tears can be enormously scary KS. They make us feel vulnerable when we are usually already in a shaky place. In my case, holding it all together was a matter of emotional survival. To cry meant losing that safety. However, in reality the lack of safety was the reason for my inability to cry. I wonder if this same scenario fits for you?

It caught my eye when I read your post, "I just want some one to hold me and make it all better". This is exactly what you need during tearful times.  I recommend this to clients often when they get into those places. I suggest they ask a friend to hug them for as long as they can "tolerate" the good stuff of a warm connection - it could be for a few seconds or several minutes.

It's really what many of us need when we are in a sad, tearful place. This idea can't replace it, but if you can imagine the best hug you ever received while you're in the midst of your tears, it might help you to move through them a little easier. It's also a way for you to heal what's behind the tears.

It's also possible that there's a connection between the tears and what's happening in your body. I remember working with someone who would cry "for no reason" and although there were difficult historical issues awaiting resolution, the tears were a way of discharging the overwhelm that she was not consciously aware of in her nervous system. Just a thought...

Your post also reminds me that you know with all the invasive therapies (e.g. drug therapy, electro convulsive therapy), probably one day we'll figure out that what we all needed to heal were just more hugs.

Did you know there is a hug day? There are volunteers who stand in front of public buildings and offer hugs for free to anyone who asks...revolution comes in the smallest of packages!

Hope that helps KS,

Shrinklady

Helen (NJ, USA)

Hi ShrinkLady, I am glad that I found this article. I had been in therapy for about six months - the good kind (holistic- integrated) While I was in therapy the numbing - flat feeling slowly dissipated, and I feel more emotions than ever. Before therapy - I held my emotions tightly, and like you, would not, mostly could not cry-especially in front of others. Now I understand that early child trauma - hurts are what caused this.

Here is the problem - is it possible to become too open, too honest with my feelings, too vulnerable, often feeling like a hurt and scared child? I feel too much sometimes and I am not sure if this is depression with tears, or am I just experiencing a greater range of emotions? I should add that there are circumstances - that at this point - beyond my control that may be contributing to this. I am by no means closing the door to therapy, just seeing how I can manage on my own for the summer.

Sincerely, Helen

Hi Helen, I'm really pleased you've been experiencing changes in your work and that, from the sounds of it, you have a good therapist to help you on your way.

As your heart opens up, you will feel pain - that's the reason why it was closed down - and you may experience this as grief. This is the normal course of events as we open up.

You're learning a great deal at this time Helen. You are stretching the edges of your capacity. Your nervous system is learning how to manage these deeper emotions. You see, as human beings we must learn how to tolerate the sensations of intense feelings. Hopefully, a good chunk of these pathways are laid down during infancy and fortunately, due to the plasticity of the brain, we can learn how to do this at any time across our lifespan.

As your emotions expand there will be times when you overshoot the mark - you will go too deep or share too much with another person. That's okay. This will happen.

Here's a few suggestions. Trust your body. Whenever you are feeling "exposed" by too much self-disclosure, find a safe comfortable place and  pull inward in a self-protective mode. This might mean curling up in your bed in the middle of the day. It might mean sitting in a darkened room for a while. Both of these tactics reduce the incoming stimulation and help the reptilian brain to feel safe.

Notice how it feels in your body but be sure not to make any judgments or interpretations about it. You're doing exactly what your body needs. In time, you'll be able to tolerate more and more.

I suspect you will be on a learning curve in regards to how much is "too much" for some time. Eventually, I'm almost certain, if you continue your work chances are you'll look back at this time and notice that you are no longer feeling the vulnerable and scary feelings to the same degree.

Best,

Shrinklady

I heard back from Helen. Sounds as if things are moving right along (2009-11-08):

Hello Again Shrinklady,

I just read my post and your response from the summer, and I am happy to say- that I really see some changes. I am still in therapy (almost a year) with the same super therapist and I am working hard. (oh you can let the new people know, the harder we work together- the more we get out of therapy).

I am also happy to report that I am feeling less vunerable, stronger, and less activated. But I have a question. I still can't cry in therapy. Is that a bad sign? When we do the hard work in therapy - I usually cry by myself in between sessions.

Trusting has always been an issue with me, but I don't think this is a lack of trust or attunement with the therapist, but rather being activated when doing the tough stuff. I then seem to process and feel stuff afterwards. That is just how it works for me.

Another question I have - If I stop therapy, will I go back to being the person I once was, or do the postitve changes stick?

Thanks for your terrific site.
Helen

Hi Helen, nice to hear back from you and to hear of your wonderful progress. It's true eh, the more we put into it, the more we get out of it. Sounds like this plan is working well for you.

You mentioned the difficulty you have in crying in front of your therapist. I think you pegged it right with the idea that trusting is hard. However, I wonder if it's not that you don't trust your therapist, maybe you're learning to trust yourself? Cause as you approach that tearful place, you're also learning that you'll be okay. It's just possible you haven't arrived there yet.

In time, I suspect you will be able to cry in front of your therapist. Maybe some time before - if not already - you'll find it easier to cry over movies with a friend or partner. Then it will grow from there. That's how it was for me when I started to allow the tears.

I'm glad you asked about keeping the positive changes once you finish with therapy. I think many people ask themselves the same question. Positive changes - changes that arise from the inside out - tend to stick unless a bad event pulls you back into an earlier place. However, my view is that it's like understanding that 1 + 1 is 2. It's pretty hard to lose that learning.

Neuroscience suggests that old neuropathways remain. That is, our old patterns remain in the brain. However, they're like cobwebs and with disuse the probability increases that they won't be fired up again. 

Even when we regress in the face of unexpected bad events, if there's enough resiliency in the nervous system, we can regain what we lost in a much faster time. This is particularly the case when the probability exists of better regulated pathways being fired up.

In other words, the new neuropathways you're developing in therapy and are using today are improving your odds that they will be used in future.

All the best Helen,

Shrinklady

lynn (Cambridgeshire, uk)

i am suffering from depression and anxiety and its horrible , i am waiting to see a therapist , i have been through so much trauma these last ten years , long story , been reading on your site the last ten minutes and all i can do is cry , everyday you hope to wake up and feel better , but the dark days outway the better days and today is a dark day , i feel hurt and sadness all the time , through things i have done myself and boy am i being punished.

lynn

Hi Lynn, I'm so pleased to hear you say, you're gonna be seeing a therapist. There is a way out and in time, as you continue your work, I believe you will find new meaning in your life.

I'd like to respond to one thing that you alluded to. You suggested that you have done some things that have hurt you and that now you feel you're being punished for it. I'd encourage you to veer away from looking at your current state as "punishment".

While, we are all responsible for our lives, being "asleep" during parts of our life, is not something that's easily avoided even with the best of intentions. And during those times, despite your efforts, you can find yourself doing things that you later regret.

That was certainly the case for myself. I know looking back I never attended to the things that would have helped me and so, in the end, I had a harder time of it because of that. Nonetheless, even these experiences gave something back to me. They taught me about myself.

Sometimes it's not always easy to understand our own motivations. I try to impress upon my clients that many of our behaviours are learned adaptations to traumatic stressful events. You see, it's easier to push the anger and hurts onto oneself through destructive behaviours than it is to face the reality of being treated poorly or not loved for who we are.

And this is what you need to remind yourself. You did get what you needed to do to survive.

Lynn, although it's certainly not always easy to see this at the time, sad states are potential healing moments. The healing comes when we are able to resource ourselves through it. Sometimes this comes from the care and love of another. However, sometimes we cannot even tolerate that much. So, our resources must be much smaller. You go with what works.

I watched Grease three times when it first came out years ago. There was something in that movie that helped me heal. It was what I needed. A therapist might have been an even better idea but I was "on the road" (both metaphorically and physically) at that time in my life.

And this is what I recommend to you. Find a therapist that's attuned to you.

I sincerely hope you find one that can be there in a way that you need and that helps you heal.

All the best,

Shrinklady

alison (Ontario, canada)

it's been about a month that i've been having mixed emotions and i dont know how to control them. i am a highschool student and i have never felt so low and angry. i gained 5 more pounds and i am really hungry and i have a hard time to sleep. i scare my friends and now teachers are starting to ask me if im ok. am i ok.. i feel so alone...i have also been having mood swings, is that normal?

I dont know what to do, i've been having suicidal thoughts too and i dont know what to do. i've been feel tired and empty. what should i do...

alison

Hello Alison I'm sorry that you're feeling so alone. I can so resonate with mixed emotions and how you feel with those around you.

Let me explain a couple things that might help you understand what's going on for you. When we're feeling so low and angry, the nervous system is shooting outside the optimal window of functioning. So one minute, we're hyper, the next we're crashing. (See the biphasic response for more information.)

Coping through eating is a way many folks use for comforting the nervous system. Yet - as you likely discovered - to no avail.

When we're as agitated as you describe, the brain is essentially in survival mode and we're feeling totally alone. The end result is that reaching out at a time like this can feel almost impossible.  Yet, it is the best thing we can do for ourselves.

Alison, you have the potential for an expansive life ahead of you. Getting help now can free you from suffering and set you on a course for healing. It's your birthright.

It's clear to me that you would benefit from the care and guidance of a sensitive, grounded therapist. You needn't suffer in silence.

Take good care,

Shrinklady

TH (ESSEX, UNITED KINGDOM)

I have been looking at your website and found it so helpfull. When do lots of bad life events and how I feel about them become depression?

I have had quite a few extraordinary things happen through life but have dealt well with them. Unfortunately life events have again tested my ability to deal with them I now find myself tired all the time mostly unhappy and to be honest just desparing at times.

I have always been a very happy balanced person ready to help others and I now feel exhausted empty and not sure if that's normal or depression! Thanks at least I don't feel silly about it but I do need to seek help.

TH

Hi TH, the sad thing is that we often don't know we're maxed out until symtoms show up. And when they do, we don't know how we got to where we're at. It just doesn't make logical sense. And that's the conundrum.

One of the messages that I'd like you to take home TH, is that it is so easy for us to consider that we are doing well. And for most part, we are. Yet, at the same time, something may be brewing unconsciously, comprising our life energy.

Luckily, the emotional brain provides us with some answers. I find it useful to think of it metaphorically...

Imagine we have a container inside, one collecting the negative aftereffects of extraordinary life experiences. For the most part, we're often not aware that the container is getting full until we fall into symptoms such as exhaustion and feeling empty.

(By the way, feeling empty is a form of dissociation. It's a way we disconnect from the charge underlying our conscious experiences. It's survival based.)

We notice it when the container tips and symptoms emerge. Often we're confused and in this state we lose touch with those resources that give us those happy, balanced feelings.

I hope you have considered therapy TH. It's been both my clinical and personal experience that therapy can help you empty the container and reembrace your joy.

I hope that clears up some things for you,

Shrinklady

theresa (gardena, CALIFORNIA, US)

i cant even begin to imagine whats going on in my life. i have no one to talk too. Well at least i dont want to worry the few pople i have in my life. i feel so scared and alone. i have always been a very strong individual. now i feel more nothing less than like a wet little kitten.

Theresa

Hi Theresa, sorry to hear how you're doing. Sometimes when we go to these places of suffering it seems like there are no options. Yet, there are.

I encourage you to draw on your courage to get the support you need and deserve. Take that one step. Call a therapist and start your healing journey today.

I wish you all the best,

Shrinklady