Consciousness

Sage (Pennsylvannia, USA)

Suzanne, I have been trying to expand my understanding and conciousness.....reading and re-reading your pages on My Shrink has helped me understand so much. When I read "conciousness" it put into words so much of what I was feeling. I know well how hard it is just to deal with what you have to when you are depressed. Life can be so damn hard, I just wanted to be able to cope with my life. I dont think I was not looking to expand my conciousness, not conciously anyway.

But conciousness came, first in little bits. The pain and set backs; but also little victories in, and finally progress in, therapy. But with my hard fought progress came questions. I wanted to understand it. Why was I depressed? What was depression? Why now? What next?

That is what I was looking for.... understanding. But as I gained insite into my therapy I also gained understanding of how therapy works. It became like I was dealing with therapy on two dimensions. The depressed me was.... well depressed and wanted what relief therapy could offer me. But I also recognized something was happening with me and in my therapy, and I wanted to know why.

It has been a long hard journey. Now I feel like me again, me but better. I now realize that I do not have to face my dragons and explore the dungeons alone. There is comfort and strength in numbers, even two. I also realize there was no shame in my defeat, only in my refusal to accept that I was not indefeatable.

Some of the reasons I became overwhelmed and depressed in the first place are still factors I will have to live with. But I am better equiped to handle them and the stress that will inevitibly follow. Life is a journey and along the way I hope to continue to expand my conciousness...... in and out of therapy.

Sage